As I write this I'm watching Celebrity Apprentice on NBC. What caught my ear was Sharon Osbourne whining about not being able to lead on Cyndi Lauper's women team. She just said, "I'd love to tell everyone to 'shut up' and tell them 'Here's what we're gonna do', but you just can't!" Sharon is the first to admit she doesn't play well with other people. A close look at her husband, Ozzie and her children will give you some insights.
Sharon never heard of shadow leadership. It's the skill most young marrieds don't have the life experience to apply to their own young unions. One marriage I know disintegrated into a non trusting contest in who got the last word. It lasted eight years. It's over for a lack of shadow leadership in at least one of the spouses. Success in this situation is all about love, trust and skillful listening. High emotions and soap opera drama sink a lot of married boats. Too bad!
Grampas can teach, often by example, how to make relationships work. Trust me, if Grampa's still with Gramma he has something to good to share. Its about time and love and calm. Stealthy Grampa Skill is quite a bit further down the priority list.
By the way, Sharon Osbourne figured it out, asking leading questions to Cyndi as Project Manager and moving the ball up the hill toward the goal. With all the radio interviews and skillful fund raising by members of the team to wealthy doners, I'm guessing that they win. Compared to the men, they already have a line out the door.
Smart Grampas learn to avoid "telling" at all cost. It's a time honored principle that he who asks the questions in a sales situation controls the process. Most of the time, it's the Sales guy, but sometimes, the prospect brings some research and tenacity to the situation and turns the tables.
Check out Grampa's Card Trick. My great friend Lynn Stevens developed this "trick" to teach questioning skills in real estate sales people.
It's worth mentioning that the renown Admiral Hyman Rickover, the father of the nuclear navy, always wanted to be the secretary of any committee he ever was assigned to. (He wrote the minutes to fit his perception of what went on and, more importantly, he could always ask the chairman or members of the committee to clarify and explain. He knew the power of a skillfully asked question.
This could work against you if your young charge's don't enjoy the challenge of working out an acceptable answer. This is not about perfection or coming up with the BEST answer. When I learned this technique our own kids were in their early teens. My enthusiasm for questions fell worse than flat. This was about the time, for all the love and time I lavished on them, they had labeled me "too churchy"--and my lively questions provoked some rebellion. Watch it.
Sincere questions and Grampa sincerely closing his own mouth and opening his ears and his heart to genuinely listen is more like what I have in mind. Telling, going on about the past with nonstop rambling--that kind of bugle oil isn't gonna do it.
Kids these days have to deal with immature friends who don't know how, teachers in big classrooms who don't have time, often no skill. Church leaders who may or may not be able to handle the one on one. Grampas are often the last resort. Listening is a golden skill. Good quiet easy questions and lots of time for the trusting child to answer. ( See I took a Little Child's Hand in Mine ) That kind of open-ended conversation across the generation changes lives! JRH
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