Trailing the Queen

Ever notice how Prince Phillip trails Queen Elizabeth--always two or three steps behind her, always directing others gaze to her, never attracting attention to himself. That's a fairly accurate picture of me behind Gramma Rosie at the grocery store for the last 37 years of our married life.

I'll be frank! I hate to spend hours up and down the endless aisles comparing the prices of peas and beans. My sweet, lovely, adoring wife loves it. Her arthritic knees don't let her drive, I must if we are gonna restock the larder. I resigned myself early to the idea that our joint grocery shopping was part of "the test". Love is measured by what you do for her. A wise man officiating at a wedding gave the couple a little advice: How you deal with money together will be one of the big tests of your married life.

A few years ago we divided up the shopping list. We each took half. I got my very own cart and off we went. I found the items, filled my list in record time and returned in triumph to a suprised wife. That's when the instant audit began.

"Look at this," she began, picking up a can of peas. "You got the most expensive brand. The house brand is nearly twenty cents a can cheaper. My speedy crest was not fallen, but it drooped some. I ended up going back, exchanging the products for the house brand. It took a while and by the time I was done, so was she.

That's when I came up with the Prince Phillip image. That didn't last very long. I don't know how he does it. I was bored stiff until I discovered other ways to occupy myself while Gramma runs her shopping marathon.

If you're a trailing spouse, try these suggestions:

1.Carry a calculator and track price totals: Growing up in Wyoming, I remember a large man in a trenchcoat carrying a notebook and watching the cashier like a hawk as he rang up the groceries. I'm guessing he was an accountant used to counting literally everything. The cashier seemed a little nervous. That's not what I have in mind. We have always been on pretty tight budgets. By keeping track of the items by price as they go in the cart, we have a running total of what we have yet to spend. Sometimes we put things back. I dropped this technique when it started cramping Gramma Rosie's style.

2. Grab a book or magazine to read as you follow: This has been one of my favorite shopping past times. I get a little exercise and she has me nearby to get something too high or too low on a shelf. If she has a question I'm close to answer. I really knew she loved me, when I threatened to go wait in the car. She said she got a little lonely. I relented and went to pick up another good read. Waiting in the car is never good. My legs cramp up when I sit too long--besides when I'm sitting, I'm not exercising! Theres a sense of false economy in the Summer time when I have to run the car to make the air conditioning work.

One day in a little grocery store that has the best produce in town, I was reading and following when an older woman walked right up to me and slapped me on the arm. She stepped back and began to apologize, "I'm so sorry," she explained. "My husband used to do that and it made me so mad!" We both had a good laugh. I told her that Gramma Rosie and I had an understanding. She could take her time and shop to her hearts content and I could read to my heart's content. Life's too short for boredom, eh?

3. Shop with a digital camera. If there are items that need a little research for your wish list or next month's present for a grambaby, take a picture. Include the price tag in the shot.

One Christmas season in the toy department of Walmart, my flash after flash attracted the attention of a management type who told me I couldn't do that. I explained that I wasn't a comparison shopper for another store. I was only a Grampa shopping for presents for my family. He let me go with a shrug. From then on I vowed to snap one picture (with a flash) and quickly put the camera in my pocket. (not being sneaky, just careful)

We have a camera connection for our flat screen TV. When we come home, I display my shots and we talk about them. After years as a newspaper and company photographer, I've discovered that quick snap shots spark communication.

If you split up, prepare in advance:

a. Get an idea of where she's headed-- pharmacy, produce, bread, dairy so you can "follow her tracks" to catch up on the way to the checkstand.

b. We've developed a simple little whistle that gives us both a kind of radar to find each other. We only use this in a smaller store.

c. If you get tired and must sit, find a place you know she'll pass on the way out.

Note: I tie up the plastic grocery bags with a little bow knot. This keeps the contents from falling out all over the trunk or the back seat. The bow makes it easy for her to untie them in the house and reuse them for all those recycling techniques like lining the bathroom trash can. If Elizabeth ever went to the store, I'm guessing Philip would do as much JRH